Chris is friend with a couple, Tiff and Tyler, they were all friends back in Hawaii. They were all friends with Chris and his ex, Michelle. Actually, Michelle and Tiff were best friends in school, so they go a bit back.
Tiff withdrew her friendship from Michelle last spring/summer because, well, as far as I can surmise, Michelle is not only an awful girlfriend but an awful friend. In the 'divorce' Chris got all three friends. After they broke up all these friends who were estranged because they couldn't stand Michelle anymore started calling Chris to hang out. She was one of those girls who always had to hangout with her boyfriend's friends when he was with them. Or whenever she hung out with her friends he always had to be there. A lot of friends Chris made here would eventually tire of Michelle's attitude and personality so they would eventually stop hanging out with them.
But this is all heresy, so what can you do?
I met Tiff and Tyler last summer, after Chris and I met and he broke up with Michelle. They had nothing but venom to say about her. But they never seemed to warm to me. They're very pessimistic, negative sort of people. And I must be such a Pollyanna to them because I am so sunny in comparison to them, Chris says that's the reason why they haven't warmed to me.
But, of course, I don't think that is the case.
I believe that they feel like they can't like me because of some sort of conscience or subconscience alligence to Michelle. Tiff has rekindled the friendship flame with Michelle, so of course I'm sure every time I fucker up, Tiff tells her, which is fine but still I'm bothered by that thought, immensely. I just really desire to be liked by everyone because I feel like I've spent a lot of my life not being liked because of my constant lack of friends in my adolescence. This feeling has transformed into anxiety when going out to meet friends because I'm so afraid that I'm, inherently, un-likable.
And in this case it appears to be true.
I am always doing something or other to cause Tiff and Tyler grief against me. First it was Sweatergate 2009. Chris was checking on their place in December while they were home for the holidays. It was a really cold nite so I borrowed a sweater from their closet to wear home. The next day we were there when Tyler arrived home, I told him about the sweater and he got really mad about it he told me, really harshly that I should give it back to him immediatly. Chris took it back and he said that Tyler had already forgotten about it in the 4 hours that had lapsed.
The next day Tiff got home. Some of there other mutual friends were in town and we all made plans to have a game nite. I was prepping my potluck dish and I got this really angry email from Tiff about the sweater. She claimed that in my borrowing her sweater with out asking I made her feel like she had been violated in her own home. That I made her feel unsafe.
Now, I know what that feels like. Aaron's and I's apartment was broken into while we were sleeping in the next room. So of course I am going to be uber sensitive to that sort of accusation. But she concluded the email with how excited she was to play games with me that nite.
I didn't go, because I felt so terrible, but I sent Chris with a heaping plate of bruschetta. After he got there he texted me telling me that everyone was missing me and wanted me there but I declined the invitation again.
For the next few months Chris tried to get is all together again but every time I managed to avoid them. But recently we've been able to hang out a bit.
Till I fuckered up. Again.
I managed to offend Tiff with a comment about her parents, that she hates, with a passion. She has said over and over again how much she hates them. I said something, just sort of following her lead, and it pissed her off so much. After she and Tyler got home from Chris' around 2 am she called Chris to tell him of my error and how it made her feel. Chris didn't say anything about the phone call, even though I was laying right beside him and I knew it was about me.
He only told me last nite. He has been spending more time with them, with out me. I keep apologising for making his friends hate me. I asked him last nite what I did, and he mentioned the comment. Since Tyler offered to help Chris move into our new place, and I would potentially be there to help Chris decided it was time to talk to Tyler about me. Tyler said that he doesn't have any problems with me. But that I need to 'hear what I am saying'. I told Chris that I don't feel comfortable around them. That when I'm around them I get anxious and start word vomitting. And it's awful, but I can't stop myself a lot of the time because my anxiety rules everything.
It also doesn't help that I can be really honest and candid. I am just sort of out there with what I say and tell people. I know that this is something most of my friends love about me, but I can see how it would rub most people the wrong way.
They just don't seem to like me. If I ever say anything they never respond, they blantly ignore me. Or when they choose to adress me it's always with sarcasem or rudeness.
I just don't know what to do. I want them to like me because they are friends with Chris and they provide him with company he enjoys. I also don't ever want to limit him in anyway. But I feel really left out when they all hangout, how can I not? Like tonite. Chris and Tyler went to Lowes for stuff and I asked him if he wanted me to go or if it was a 'guys' thing. He said it was a guy trip, which is ok. But later on he said that Tiff went too. Soooo, yeah. Kinda left out. I just want to be invited, because, honestly, I probably would have stayed home. Just to keep the peace. I know they can't stand me, which has always been one of my worse fears in relationships when intergrating friends and family.
I just want to redeem myself, but I don't know how... Or even if I should.
Congrats if you made it to the end of this.
Posted via LjBeetle