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June 2010




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Jun. 27th, 2010


(no subject)

For the first time ever I have found myself in a bit of an awkward place with a significant other's friends. I have always found myself to be quite likable among a boyfriend's friends. I would always ease into a friend group a get along with everyone... accept for Aaron's friend Than and his girlfriend Margaret, but their friendship was already rocky before we started dating. Soooooo, yeah.

Chris is friend with a couple, Tiff and Tyler, they were all friends back in Hawaii. They were all friends with Chris and his ex, Michelle. Actually, Michelle and Tiff were best friends in school, so they go a bit back.

Tiff withdrew her friendship from Michelle last spring/summer because, well, as far as I can surmise, Michelle is not only an awful girlfriend but an awful friend. In the 'divorce' Chris got all three friends. After they broke up all these friends who were estranged because they couldn't stand Michelle anymore started calling Chris to hang out. She was one of those girls who always had to hangout with her boyfriend's friends when he was with them. Or whenever she hung out with her friends he always had to be there. A lot of friends Chris made here would eventually tire of Michelle's attitude and personality so they would eventually stop hanging out with them.

But this is all heresy, so what can you do?

I met Tiff and Tyler last summer, after Chris and I met and he broke up with Michelle. They had nothing but venom to say about her. But they never seemed to warm to me. They're very pessimistic, negative sort of people. And I must be such a Pollyanna to them because I am so sunny in comparison to them, Chris says that's the reason why they haven't warmed to me.

But, of course, I don't think that is the case.

I believe that they feel like they can't like me because of some sort of conscience or subconscience alligence to Michelle. Tiff has rekindled the friendship flame with Michelle, so of course I'm sure every time I fucker up, Tiff tells her, which is fine but still I'm bothered by that thought, immensely. I just really desire to be liked by everyone because I feel like I've spent a lot of my life not being liked because of my constant lack of friends in my adolescence. This feeling has transformed into anxiety when going out to meet friends because I'm so afraid that I'm, inherently, un-likable.

And in this case it appears to be true.

I am always doing something or other to cause Tiff and Tyler grief against me. First it was Sweatergate 2009. Chris was checking on their place in December while they were home for the holidays. It was a really cold nite so I borrowed a sweater from their closet to wear home. The next day we were there when Tyler arrived home, I told him about the sweater and he got really mad about it he told me, really harshly that I should give it back to him immediatly. Chris took it back and he said that Tyler had already forgotten about it in the 4 hours that had lapsed.

The next day Tiff got home. Some of there other mutual friends were in town and we all made plans to have a game nite. I was prepping my potluck dish and I got this really angry email from Tiff about the sweater. She claimed that in my borrowing her sweater with out asking I made her feel like she had been violated in her own home. That I made her feel unsafe.

Now, I know what that feels like. Aaron's and I's apartment was broken into while we were sleeping in the next room. So of course I am going to be uber sensitive to that sort of accusation. But she concluded the email with how excited she was to play games with me that nite.

I didn't go, because I felt so terrible, but I sent Chris with a heaping plate of bruschetta. After he got there he texted me telling me that everyone was missing me and wanted me there but I declined the invitation again.

For the next few months Chris tried to get is all together again but every time I managed to avoid them. But recently we've been able to hang out a bit.

Till I fuckered up. Again.

I managed to offend Tiff with a comment about her parents, that she hates, with a passion. She has said over and over again how much she hates them. I said something, just sort of following her lead, and it pissed her off so much. After she and Tyler got home from Chris' around 2 am she called Chris to tell him of my error and how it made her feel. Chris didn't say anything about the phone call, even though I was laying right beside him and I knew it was about me.

He only told me last nite. He has been spending more time with them, with out me. I keep apologising for making his friends hate me. I asked him last nite what I did, and he mentioned the comment. Since Tyler offered to help Chris move into our new place, and I would potentially be there to help Chris decided it was time to talk to Tyler about me. Tyler said that he doesn't have any problems with me. But that I need to 'hear what I am saying'. I told Chris that I don't feel comfortable around them. That when I'm around them I get anxious and start word vomitting. And it's awful, but I can't stop myself a lot of the time because my anxiety rules everything.

It also doesn't help that I can be really honest and candid. I am just sort of out there with what I say and tell people. I know that this is something most of my friends love about me, but I can see how it would rub most people the wrong way.

They just don't seem to like me. If I ever say anything they never respond, they blantly ignore me. Or when they choose to adress me it's always with sarcasem or rudeness.

I just don't know what to do. I want them to like me because they are friends with Chris and they provide him with company he enjoys. I also don't ever want to limit him in anyway. But I feel really left out when they all hangout, how can I not? Like tonite. Chris and Tyler went to Lowes for stuff and I asked him if he wanted me to go or if it was a 'guys' thing. He said it was a guy trip, which is ok. But later on he said that Tiff went too. Soooo, yeah. Kinda left out. I just want to be invited, because, honestly, I probably would have stayed home. Just to keep the peace. I know they can't stand me, which has always been one of my worse fears in relationships when intergrating friends and family.

I just want to redeem myself, but I don't know how... Or even if I should.

Congrats if you made it to the end of this.

The end.

Posted via LjBeetle

Jun. 25th, 2010


Writer's Block: Acquired taste

What is your favorite weird food combination? Have your friends ever tried it or do you only eat it in private?

I really like cold hot dogs.  A lot.

Jun. 21st, 2010


(no subject)

Lol on my new phone. Posting to lj with a real live ap. I feel so tech savvy.

Jun. 8th, 2010


Writer's Block: A rose by any other name

Do you like your birth name? If you had the opportunity to change it, would you? What new name would you choose?

When I was little and a little older than that I hated my name. I hated it because everyone in Texas pronounced it with a Spanish twist; my parents said it so much differently at home. When I was little I insisted that the E be pronounced with great emphasis: EEEE-lane-uh. Although my parents have always called me Ah-lane-uh or Uh-lane-uh...Yes, my pronounciation guides are weird, but it's just how it sounds in my head.

Moving to Oregon got me to grow out of the EEEE-lane-uh phase and follow my parents' example, but alas, since my name is spelled with an E everyone felt the need to pronounce it such. It annoyed me so much, after constant correction that I started going by my middle name, Nicole or Nikky.

Yes, I am the person who always corrects the professor or whoever else calls out my name for the first time. I am so picky on how it is pronounced, I refuse to answer to anything else.

It wasn't until my senior-ish year of high school I embraced my name, and to this day I love it. I get so many compliments on it because it's still a pretty unique name. I'm normally only the second or third Elena people know; sometimes even the first. There was only one other Elena in my high school, and she spelt her name the same way. I really do feel my name is mine, I wouldn't change it.

Now, if only people would spell it right...

I like being able to do stuff like the SCA because I get to choose my own name, which is currently the Frenchy way to say 'Agnes': http://french.about.com/library/media/wavs/Agnes.wav or another way to say is AH-nyez. I just think it's to pretty to pass up. I like unique names, or rather, old fashioned, antique names. Agatha, Emmaline, Eliza, Isobel, Lucille, Cecelia, Klara...If you steal any of these I swear I will kill you :P!

This blog entry explains as to why names from the 80s, 70, and 60s sound so awful to us:


I figured since I don't write, ever, I'd do these writer block thingies and just see how it goes.

Love to you all.

PS: My dad wanted to name me Quantum, my mom wanted to name me Alyssa. Somehow Elena was in the middle. I would have rather been a Quantum than an Alyssa though.

Oct. 17th, 2009


(no subject)

For this Halloween I will be dressed as Presphone. Thoughts?

Oct. 2nd, 2009


(no subject)

Ripping up the in place life plan for the past 7 years is scary and invigorating.

There is a good chance that I may be studying at West Chester University in West Chester, Pennsylvania for my masters in Holocaust studies.

Aug. 9th, 2009


(no subject)

Summer Sunday nites are made for McMenamins' Ruby ale, tater tots, and Tristian.

Jul. 22nd, 2009


(no subject)

I wish I could say that I am having a great and fun summer, but really, I'm not. I gate to whine but this summer is such a depressing bust. It might as well not be called summer. All I do is work, which is fine I suppose, but I would like to have a weekend off here and there rather than having to constantly cover for people or fight to have 1 day off so I can move.

Oh, yes, I did finally find a place! Under the wire, no less! I will be living in the newly remodelled Campus Court quads on 15th and Alder. I have always wanted to live there since Aaron Renner lived in them.I am taking a year long lease over for a Chinese girl. All of the other Quad mates, who are also Asian, will all be moving out in August. I'll be living with 3 random girls for the upcoming school year. I've Facebook stalked them but their profiles didn't yeild me very much. I move next weekend.

This summer has been spotty with excitement and anticipation. Today Hillary is coming from PDX and we're going to have girl time at the VRC; dinner with the boys; then Harry Potter. But then it's back to working everyday but Sundays and Tuesdays.

Aaron took me to go see Andrew Bird last week in Medford at Britt. It was nice, I saw Danielle, an old kindred spirit from Teen Theatre. Aaron said it was my concert so I could sit anywhere I wanted, 'Except for there', he said pointing to the small patch of grass in front of the stage. Which of course I wanted to be since Andrew Bird is an amazing live. I didn't fight it, so we sat on the hill after I anxiously chose a spot. It was nice but not as nice as it could have been.

Even the fun parts of my summer are letting me down.

Jul. 10th, 2009


(no subject)

So tempted to move to Austin, Texas next summer.

And I couldn't tell you why.

Jun. 2nd, 2009


(no subject)

I almost cried in front of my professor today.


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