Everywhere I go

I haven't really journaled in a few months so I thought that I might well throw who ever reads this a bone with some meat on it.

 I think this is week 2, I am already tired of school. As per the usual. I am taking 3 classes: German 203 which is my last German class for the rest of my natural life; Imaginary Shanghai  which is an esoteric way to say the history of Shanghai; Jewish American History which is taught by a funny and awkward Jewish man. There is just too much reading that I am not doing. In German we're reading a book called Am Die Kürze Ende die Sonnenalle (On the Short end of the Sonnenalle) which is about a group of teenagers living in East Berlin in the 1980s.  In Shanghai we we have a stack of fiction books about Shanghai, a course packet, and additional reading on Black Board and in Knight library.  In Jewish American history it is pretty much the same story as Shanghai.

Last term I was quite successful.  I got a C+ in German 202 which is a miracle.  You have no idea how hard I worked for that stupid plus sign.

I got a B+ in my Japanese WW2 class.  Now I can say fancy things like 'The first Sino-Japanese war' and 'a war of attrition on the Japanese archipelago' and know what I am saying.  While others may not.  This is what a B+ does for you!

I also succesfuly comepleted my history seminar, which is like a mini thesis, for my history BA. And holy fucking shit I got a B+.

Now.  I am happy that I managed to pull this off.  However it just reinforces that I can do marginal, little to not effort work and still pass with flying colors. Either Prof. Hanes loved my bullshit or didn't see it caked into my paper.  My paper was about Iijime, which is Japanese for 'bullying', in Japanese schools.  Now I can talk about examination hell, raceism in Japan, and Japanese preschools.  Not like anyone really cares.  And it is pretty much useless.  But hey, passing means that I am one step closer to my BA.

Out side of school, good God what do I do outside of school and the interwebs?

Tomorrow is Aaron's birthday and we're dining at P.F. Chang's with his friends.  He will be 22 and for a short time we will be the same age.  I have no idea what I am going to get him though.  I might go back to Gamestop to see if they still have the Witcher because they wouldn't sell it to me because I didn't have my id on me.  Bastards.  Although I might get him a U of O hoodie, but I might save that for his grad gift. Baaaaaa I dunno what to get him.

He is graduating this June and has no idea what he is going to do.  He never wrote for the ODE because he hated it so much, which he has kinda shot himself in the foot because he has no clippings for his portfolio.    He is probably going to stay in Eugene and stay with me which I am happy about that.  We're going to Hawaii this August, his parents' treat, for his best friend's wedding.  Aaron is the best man.  We will be there for 5 days and I will swim every day and go to Pearl Harbor.  And yell 'BANZAI!'. A lot.

I am thinking, as the year winds down, about things that I think about a lot.  I have mentioned before that Eugene and U of O held this special feeling, a spark, of antsy excitement.  It still does, to an extent, feel like this to me but not as much as it did when I lived in Medford.  I still love Eugene though.  But I just wanted so much more out of it, that I haven't found yet.  I have friends, that I don't see nearly enough, mainly because I am just too damn busy or tired.  I miss hanging out with Debra, Annie, and Aaron...I do not see them nearly enough.  Especially since Aaron and Debra live a 2 minute walk down the alley from me.  I feel like a crap friend sometimes.  But I love the fact that I can go months with out seeing Kim, Eric, Val or John and when we do get together we sync back into it.

I just want that spark back from Eugene, it sounds like a relationship on the rocks doesn't it?  While Eugene is home it doesn't really seem like it.  There is just too liminal space that doesn't last long enough.  It seems like our hearts just aren't in it to make real friends or make phone calls.  We resort to Facebook or Myspace games of tag.  Which is fine, I play them to, and I am quite shy about making phone calls.  So in this search for something to do on Saturday nite I fail quite well.  I feel like going out and enjoying sunny days and warm nites with friends would give me more warmth from my beloved Eugene, but I may be wrong.  We're all searching for something here, at university.  I always thought that I would find it. I always thought that I would make fast friends that I would always be with.  But instead  I have found myself shrinking into my shyness that was never really there until I moved here.

There is just something about this  time of year causes me to reminisce and ponder.  There is just something about the freedom that spring brings that conjures up these thoughts.

I keep having dreams about a certain person (here is one from 2006: http://petal-abstract.livejournal.com/43008.html?mode=reply) and I am unsure what to do.  We were never friends, and probably were quite close to despising  each other.  But  I have been intrigued with the idea to get into contact with them.  And just bury the hatchet.  Maybe more if they will have it, but I am unsure.  I always thought that this person and I would've been such good friends if the spring of 2006 would have happened much, much differently.  Maybe something might happen if I do something about it.

Call me.

I have 20ish minutes left of class, that I am obviously not paying attention to, to write this entry.

After my last final at 8:30 in the damn morning for Enlightenment Cultural History I took off for Medford on the Greyhound for about 5 days. For those 5 days (Wednesday till Monday) I did a whole lot of nothing.  I got to see Val and John, which  whom I was very happy to see.  John and I did or normal routine of Wal-Mart and chatting.  I am very happy that he has finally found a kindred female spirit that is with in a 20 mile radius from him.  I worked at my Dad's grill for about an hour and a half.  Mom, Dad and I went garage selling on Saturday, I bought random stuff for my new flat.  Mom gave me a pasta dish set and a crock pot.  Also on Saturday my Dad's cousin, Frank, that he grew up with came all the way up to Oregon (on his way up to Montana), with his wife, Abby, from Tuscon, Arizona.  Abby and Frank are both teachers and so I got lots of usefull advice on what I should do.  On Sunday we went to Ashalnd (Val came with us) and Val and I hung with the fam for awhile, but broke off after awhile.  Val and I went to Lithia Park and she took pretty pictures of me.  I'll post some here...maybe.

On Monday Frank and Abby drve me up to Eugene and we talked a lot of teaching and what Ishould to prepare for my future and appling  with Teach for America.  When we got to Eugene we got lunch at Sakura and I gave them a tour of campus.  After they left for the coast I had an hour or so before I had to leave for work, and thus began my week.

I worked.  Everyday, Monday till Friday 11-3.  Now, because I take the bus its really 10-4.  Hot diggity damn.  I've been reading Stardust by Neil Gaiman and I am abotu half way through it.  I worked.  A lot.  Plus I have to go to Doug and Emilie's to water their plants and take care of Sandy the rat.  And I walk there and its about a good 25 to 30 minute walk, both ways.  Watering and Sandy time takes about 45 minutes.  Last week I wasn't getting home till 6ish.  We don't have internet right now so I would take a shower and go to the library to check up on stuff.  On Midsummer's Eve I fell asleep around 5:55 and woke up at 10.  I called other Aaron and we got some Muchas and I went back home and slept till 8 am.  I also saw 'Waitress' with other Aaron and its really cute and good.  Go see it.

Kevin, who is now moving to Australia, came to visit me on...Tuesday. We went to Muchas and Sweet Life.  We also went to Alton Baker where he bag piped for a little while and we chased gooses.

My Aaron was out of town all week.  I was all sorts of lonely.  Laila and Amjad moved out, and I have their old room. Natalie and Adam were gone all week.  Now they're back and Natalie moved a bunch of my stuff form my old room to my new one...In a slap dash, throw it all over the place fashion.  SO when I got home late last nite I had to deal with that and unpacking.

I spent the weekend in Portland.

(Its the next day)

I went with other Aaron, James, Jody and Jody to go see 'Can't Stop the Serenity', a fundraiser for Equality Now.  They showed 'Serenity' at the Hollywood Theatre and donated the procedes to Equality Now, Joss Whedon's favorite organization.  My Aaron picked me up and we hugged and kissed and it was wonderful to see him after a  week and a half.  We really didn't do much.  We went to bed late on Friday nite, after walking through is high school years via a memory box.  He got up at 7 am to take his car with his Mom to drop off his car so he could get new brakes.  He came back and made me the best breakfast of pancakes, eggs, and ham.  We later got his car and played at his old elementry school's playground for awhile.  He let me make a charecter on his WOW account.,  I am a Blood Elf preistess named Jacosta.  His parents took us out to dinner to a McMeninmans tucked away in the woods.  Aaron started to feel icky and he was dead tired.

Plans to hang out with Kevin and Eric fell through.

So.  I went to bed instead.

We left on Sunday, I got to to go tot he Body Shop.  We got back to Eugene, got Taco Bell, and I played WOW.

I sarted summer classes yesterday.  Geology 101 which I might not need to take.  Its at 8 am so I am really miserable.  8amClass and I have to go to work right afterwards then Doug and Emilie's house stuff...i don't get home till 6 pm.  It sucks.  I want it to stop.  We might be closing as soon as next week too.  We're expanding. If we do, and I don't ha to take this class I might be able to go to Medford again, but I am not sure.

Good God, I am tired.

I have decided, instead of studying for my 10:15 am final I am going to write an entry.  Possibly one of substance, so please, hold on tight and don't look down or to the side.

This term is almost over, but I still have a bit to do.  As my first term out of the dorms it was pretty much awesome.  I have now come to terms that I hated the dorms and RA life quite a bit.  Lately I have been having about housing and my staff.  They normally end in me bitching everyone out.  What my staff doesn't know is that I left because of them.  I felt like they treated me like shit and didn't give a damn about me.  I felt so out of place and ignored. I went to Carson countless times to find people that I liked and considered to be my friends eating together, yet they never thoguht to ask me.  Its little things like that...That really bother me.  I am a pretty sensitive, fragile, meekish kind of a person.  Not only that my boss was not relaly supportive of me at all.  But its in the past, there is really no need to dwell on any of it.

Apartment living is fine, sans the constant loud sex.

I like being a waitress.  Although I forgot to charge someone for their pot of tea today...But its only .95 and I told Bimb and she laughed and said it was ok.  Its pretty easy work, but just having to be rushrushrush all the time.  Sometimes I get a little behind and Kannika will remind me to bring a table wtaer and I want ot tell her that I was going to but someone decided to pay right when I went to get glasses for water.  Its not that I have forgotten, its just that someone else is commanding my time.

I have been wrestling with bouts of general lonliness here in Eugene.  I am a pretty social person, but my shyness overcomes my need for friends.  But laely I've been feeling so lonely for friendly contact that I've reduced myself to tears.  I feel just about the same as I did in high school.

In high school I always felt invisible and out of step with everyone else.  My senior year was a disaster because of the fact that I really didn't have acess to friends during the whole the school day.  I had Traceh, but we rarely saw each other over the course of the day.  Kim and I had our...moment in the winter.  I felt so lost with out my constant companions Eirc, Nick, and Kevin.  I would spend my lunches, open periods, and whatever time I had to occupy with doing something in the libary.  I would be on the Anime Online forums chatting it up with people of, obvious, simaler intrests.  I hated school, I hated my classes, over all I hated being there.  Even when Iwas in Teen Theatre I felt like an outcast.  Its sad even in a group of outcasts, people I thought I would grow so close to , ignored me.  I don't know what it is about me but I always get excluded one way or another.

So, yeah, I am lonely.  I am unsatisfied in the friend part of my life.  Mainly in the vein of strong female bonds, ehich I never really have been able to obtain and maintain well.

To combat all of these feelings, and being thr shy mouse I am, I turned to the only source that I could possibly find new friends.  I turned to Craigslist.  I actually met a really nice girl too.  I am going to call her B for now.  But we went to dinner last nite and chatted for two hours.  We don't nesscialry ave  alot in common, but we hit offf really well.  I reallly like her and I have intentions to call her when I get back from Meddy.

I get back my paper from Mideval history tomorrow, and my imatation project back on wednesday.  I just relaized this fact about hour ago, to my horror.  I hat ethe waiting game for papers I feel like I biffed.

I got a B on my last Enlightenment essay quiz thingy.  Go me.  Go slave revolt in Hati.

Summer plans thus far...I am goign to Meddy on Wednesday till Monday.  Then I work a shitload.  Then I go see Serenity in Portland with other Aaron.  Aaron moves in with me end of this month.  Then I go back to Portland to see Cameron, my childhood friend from Texas.  Hopefully he'll be able to meet Eric and Kevin.  We'll go to gay bars and have a gay ole' time.  Then more work and pet/plant sitting for the family that I babysit for.  Theeeen my geoloy class starts, 8 am sharp.  Inbetween class andnot going to class will be even more work till we close ot expand.  Then come my intensive German class.  More work when reopen.Then at the end of summer Aaron and I move into our cute apartment and decoarte it.

Nothing to outrageous.

I want to go to England this winter holiday with Aaron.

I am still thinking about studing in Japan, even though all I can say is that I am a history and anthropology major.  One of the lanaguge requirements is really lax and I fulfill it.  Go me.

But.  There will be a time that I will never have to study for  astupid final even again.

Through the pestering of someone else, who derievs enteratinemnt and, really, for the lack of something better to read on the whole wide internets, I have decided to update.

Its been two weeks since I updated last, and I really, honestly, don't know what I've been doing these past two weeks.  I've been thinking, reminiscing a lot as of late.  For the times when I could get away with so much less.

Yes people, I am thinking about the akward stages of pupation known as the six year period between 6th grade and 12th grade.

Aided by the discovery of  'Ready or Not' episodes on YouTube this reminiscing is almost  simultanious.  'Ready or Not' was a tv show improted from Cnada to be aired on the Disney channel, every weekday at 4:30.  SOme episodes were left out, these were the episodes about sex, breasts, and periods.  It follows the daily, hijinxed lives of Busy Ramone and Amanda Zimm htrough 6th grade until 9 (or right before 10th) grade.

This show made me tough.

I've also been dwelling on this feeling that I used to get in Eugene, long before I came to school here.  It was feeling of freedom and mystery.  But now I just feel obligations and sleepyness.  I would come to Eugene to visit Eric and everyone would be here (Kevin, Tyson, Val, and Nick) and we would all hang out and do... whatever we wanted.  I have hazy memories of Riley, Hamilton, streets with no names, buildings on campus.   I soon came to know each of the places on my own, but they enevr gave me the same feelings as I had back when I was in high school.  And I do miss it.

Spekaing of missing something, you know what I don't miss?  Being an RA.  Becuase it fucking sucked.

Aaron go tme my beautiful Valentine's Day present.  A multi-dark colored fresh water pearl necklace.  We found it at Saturday market at the first booth we went to.  I am in love with it.  I am in love with him. We're moving in togeher and taking on the future to gether.  Hopefully he'll still love me when I go off to Germany and where ever Teach For America decides to put me.

My vagina is still broken.  And it still sucks.  No surprises there.  To describe where I feel pain is, apparantly , hard for people to visualize.
I am staying in Eugene over the summer.  I am oging to find me a job and go to school.  I was going to do 4 classes over th ehwole summer but I htink I may say fuck it and only do two, depends on what kind of job I find.

Its my birthday in twoish weeks.  May 27th, I'll be 22.

This always sounds so much  better in my head.

So. Hey everyone.

I haven't been very motivated to write for a long time. Mainly because I don't have anything to write about.

The term has started off with a bang of reading. Or rather, reading that I am not reading. Although all of the classes do provide readings that I do take some general to extreme interest in I just don't want to do it. I am more excited to read the memroir and historic fictional accounts than actual text books.

Japanese is treating me well, just lots of vocab and I can conjugate abverbs. I can also kinda have a conversation. Its exciting.

A week and a half ago I almost fainted in the shower, but I forced myself to go to classes for my crazy 9 am till 1:30 day. What makes this day so grueling is that I have to haul ass from Villard to the Education building because Japanese class always gets out late. Then from the Education building I have to run to Mckenzie which is over by Villard. When you're sick and its snowing this becomes quite taxing on ones body. After Vietname class, which I have with Aaron, I went over to his place where he made me amazing spinach-rice-tortolini soup. I ended up too weak to move myself off of Aaron's futon to go to staff meeting, so I spent the nite and didn't got to class on Friday.

Now I have a pretty bad chest cold. Aaron once again came to my rescue. He bought me cough medicine, Ricola, I sick Soup, and flowers.

We're going to move in together next fall. I find the prospect of this invigorating and exciting. I cannot wait. We've already bought plates.

I am finally going to call the health center to schedule an appointment for my vaginismus test. I have put this off mainly due to fear.

Vi was in Eugene from Friday till Saturday, Aaron and I spent some time with her. It was really fun and Vi adored Aaron.

Hopefully Mom, Dad, and Grandpa Ernie will be spending next weekend here in Eugene. I am relaly excited about this too.

My room is clean.
I have Aaron's Valentines Day stuff all figured out.
I need to figure out all of my programs for the term.
I need to make new door decs for my girls.
I need to be around more.

I need to sleep.

Good nite.

I met Aaron's parents yesterday.

And.  Well.

This is what his mom, Jann, said about me.  I am loosely paraphrasing...

"She is the type of girl we've always pictured you with, Aaron."

So.  I think they like me.

:D

In other news I'm tired.  I get paid tomorrow.  I want to do something for Samhain.  I have Japanese midterms.  I have RA stuff to get done.  I am busy, busy, busy

PS:  'After Hours'=My favorite Rilo Kiley song.  Of all time.

Note to thineself, for future reference:

You cannot bullshit a multiple choice exam when its all about genitics.  And you know jack shit about them.  So that doens't help much either.

I am so tired as of right now, I am going to turn in and snuggle with Yi Yo and Pilley.

I improved my techinique in rock climbing today.  Scott, Devin and I are going bouldering on Friday :D

I saw Aaron twice today, for 2 seconds even though we didn't expect each to see each other at all.

Watashi o-cha o nomimasu.

Well I did when I did my Nihongo homework...which I decided todo all in Hiragana and Katakana. 

That lasted for one section.  Oi, my hand.

Its time for bed.

Good nite everyone.

I've decided that my plan of attack for my Anthro midterm will be an air strike and ground assault of bull shit. Using Guerrilla tactics from the days of old.

Oh to be young and careless with exams.

I got sick of somethings, so I changed them around.